Currently Reading Reading Lolita in Tehran: A Memoir in Books By Azar Nafisi see related

I got an award?

Someone please tell me what "leave a turd" is?  I assume it is not a compliment, but I'm not clear what the game nor the insult is. 

I’m even more curious as to the secrecy behind it.  If the intent was to bug me, well the turd thingy doesn’t, but secrecy does.  Therefore you win.  So now at least be polite enough to explain the purpose of this to me.  Yes, I am that naïve. 

This does have something to do with my post to Joanne’s blog the other day (a week or so ago) in regard to her reaction to a stranger entering her home.  It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure this out.  That said.  I’m sorry for my post.  I completely over reacted and projected my own very real fears, that I live with every single day with my own mom, onto Joanne.  Yes, Joanne became a victim of my fear.  My fear that my mom will get away one day I won’t be able to find her and she will wander into someone’s home and that person will not know what to do.  It’s a fear anyone caring for an Alzheimer’s patient has, and when it’s your mom I think the fear is even more exaggerated.  I’m sorry for my public reaction.  I should have emailed Joanne off line and offered her advice in a kinder and gentler manner.  I didn’t and I made a huge error in judgment.

Joanne is very lucky to have such a loyal following of friends who immediately came to her defense.  I did take offense with a few of the comments and felt the need to block some from being able to get to my blog.  But that’s life and that’s my choice.  I’m sure none of the now blocked had ever read my site before, and not tried to since.  Why would they?  These posters don’t know me or anything about me.

Too Joanne, I am very sorry.  I do remember you as a young sweet girl in RCW.  I am very sorry that I jumped all over you like that.  If you remember anything about me you must remember that I have 7 children, two sets of twins, so I do know and remember what it's like to have children around my ankles 24/7, and I should have been more understandingof your situation.  I made a mistake and I am sorry.

Now let me say that Kona is beautiful, and we are having a wonderful time.  Family time is the breather I need.  Although we are a close family, we are scattered all over the place now with so many in college.  Time together is precious and I am so happy we all still want to spend so much time together. 

We are getting ready for our summer family vacation.  You’d think a family that spends most of it’s year traveling wouldn’t need a vacation, but we do.  This is our time to just be us.  We don’t have to talk to anyone, we don’t have to entertain anyone, and we don’t have to be anyone special.  We are simply Rob, Finn, and the boys.  And, I don't to cook for two weeks.

Can you believe I have five sons in college right now???  The two older ones are at Pepperdine.   I have one at UCLA, another at UC Davis and the last one at BYU.  All I can tell you is, start the college funds now.  Two more to go and then we are through.

Back to vacation.  This summer we are heading back to Hawaii.  This is the time we spend with just the 9 of us, yes that’s me and my eight men.  Hawaii seems to be our destination point lately.  We will be in Kona where tt’s quiet and the beach is nice.  The boys all love it, so off we go.  We’re taking Mom with us this year, and three caretakers.  This will be interesting and I’ll promise to write about it when we get back.  Only drawback is Jude seems to surround himself in Hawaii with the BYU crowd.  Yes, I support my son and all, but I also have hopes and prayers that someday he will come back to the Christian church.

Friday we leave and I haven’t even started packing.  I’m taking the dogs to the kennel on Thursday, and I do wish Hawaii would allow pets to come in.  Oh well, they get to have fun at the doggy hotel for two weeks.

Up until a year ago my Mom had ever really left Provo, Utah.  Now she’s in a beautiful part of California and traveling first class to Hawaii, and she doesn’t have a clue as to any of it, nor who we are.  We’re just some strangers that she says “Hi” to everyday.  I love though and having her back in my live is amazing.  After everything I’ve been through, I feel I’ve come full circle and I’m really happy. 

My hope on this vacation is be able to sit with my laptop and begin to write about my life and my experience as one of 60+ children, as a plural wife, anorexia, and coming full circle and accepting who I am, where I came from and where I’m going now.  I can’t imagine anyone wanting to read this, but I am ready to write it.

If I don’t get back before Friday, see you all when I return.

Currently Playing Elephunk By Black Eyed Peas see related

Good night, has it been so long since I blogged.  I think I forgot I had one until I went to comment on someone's blog, and had to 'sign-in' as the weddingcakelady.  Oh well, it was a fun reminder that I do have a blog.  God knows I enjoy reading them daily, so I might as well offer the rest of you something to remember me by too. 

So what's new?  Summer is in full swing and I have various children home and about and in and out.  Rob is busy with his consulting buisness.  For those that don't know he left church ministry with God's blessing and mine.  Never have I witnessed a less rewarding career for my husband or my family--I cannot live in a fishbowl.  Left the church and went to work at Microsoft, and made enough to finally leave and start his own consulting firm.  He is finally doing what he loves and what we love, mission work and traveling the world.  We could not be happier.  We keep our homebase in California and enjoy spending ther summer being lazy on the beach and playing with the kids albiet they are all grown now,  and the dogs. 

We have recently moved my Mom in with us.  Who could have imagined years ago, my fleeing Utah, that I would move Mom in?  She has Alzheimers and it was getting difficult to keep her in.  She lived in the family compound, but she wanders and I was in a position to being her here and bring in help.  It's truely been a blessing.  She doesn't really know us, but she thinks we are nice, so what more could I ask for. 

I really came down hard on a blog I read yesterday about a woman I suspect has Altzheimers. I couldn't believe how cold hearted the sarcastic the blog was.  Those of you who know me, know I rarely respond to something you've written whether I agree or not.  Your blog is after all your blog and not for my opinion.  In this case I couldn't restrain myself and I went back today and commented.  I desperately want to feel guilty about my comment, but I don't.  I also don't find any pleasure in being sarcastic myself.

Long ago and oh so far away . . . I was a single mother with seven little boys to raise and support all on my own.  I left my home and my family in Provo, Utah to come to California and begin my life again.  I had no idea how I would support myself, but with the helping hand of my older sister we had a roof over our heads and plenty food in the cupboards.  I had no education and no job skills to speak of, nor did I know how to even begin to look for a job.  Within a week of my arriving though God showed me where I was going.

I started working at the Christian school sponsored by our church.  This job saved my life and gave me a reason to get out every day.  The church was welcoming of all of us, and pretty soon we were all involved in different activities and making new friends.  Then I met my soon to be husband, and fell in love.  It took him a long time, and lots of patience to finally convince me that we could grow old together and be in love forever.  We are.

Between the work at the school and beginning a relationship with my husband, I also got the bright idea to begin my own business.  I started baking cheesecake and peddling my pies to local small stores and diners.  They were a hit and I soon branched out my business to include theme cakes.  Some background on this . . .In Utah my sisters and I had an informal catering company.  We had events almost every weekend of the year in Provo and SLC, and were quite in demand.  I did all the baking for the events, so it was my sister who encouraged me to begin baking as a way to future financial freedom.  When my husband and I married, we built a new home (remodeled two homes to become one large home for our large family) and we included an industrial kitchen in the basement so I could operate a bakery legitimately. 

Baking I did and continue to do today.  In the past year or so I’ve sold 47% of my business to one brother and another sister who carry on with the cheesecakes, and have incorporated a catering business into the plan.  I do only wedding cakes now, and I choose my customers carefully and I only work when I have time to do so.  I also manage the company and handle the finances, but we actually have a bookkeeper that does this, I just come around to get in her hair and bother her a lot LOL. The best part is that we all work very well together, and I’m sure our large family roots play a large part in our team approach to the business.

I spent yesterday playing hooky from church and instead went out to spend some quality time with one of my sons (I somehow think God would approve of this!).  He works at a second chance ranch about a 2-hour drive from my home, and he’s been after me to get out to see him since he started working in June.  Luke is one of my twins, and attends college at UC Davis , hoping to someday get into veterinary school and specialize in large animals. 

This is his first summer interning at a ranch.  I know why I haven’t gone to visit him, and my first visit proved my fears to be true . . . I wanted to bring home every animal at the ranch.  How on earth can people take pets they cannot offer proper care for?  How can Luke work under these conditions and not cry all day long?  I think he really is called to do this work, and God has created in him a loving and helping heart that also has well defined  boundaries. 

We shared a wonderful day together and I took him a big supply of brownies, which have been his favorite food since he was a small boy.  I am sure he was on the phone, as soon as my car pulled out, telling his brother he got brownies!  I had planned ahead for that and Micah’s are on the way to him as of this morning.

On the long drive home I started thinking about “second chance ranch” and what that means in my life.  How many times have I been granted a second chance?  I began my life as a Mormon, and a very devout one at that.  I come from a long proud line of Latter Day Saints.  Yet, God granted me a second chance to become a Christian.  He grants me a second chance every time I sin (which is daily).  He allows me to grow and mature at my own rate, and loves me even when, and as, I fail.

I recently reconnected with some long ago friends.  It was hard for me to write and initiate contact again, but after a lot of prayer I felt it was God’s timing to make the move.  I’ve been afraid to contact them again since then.  In this opportunity I see that God has again granted me a second chance to be a better person and better friend.  We all need second chances and we certainly all need to grant them to others, after all where would I be if God refused me a second chance? 

I still feel very guarded and protective of my heart right now.  I was deeply hurt and in my hurt feelings, I retaliated with the full intent to insult, belittle, and hurt back.  The words I used were meant to sting, and I know they did.  I have lived with this and prayed about this for two years now, and I know that God has given a second chance here. 

I’ve grown up a lot in the last two years, and I’m not the same shy naïve woman I was then.  I’m still shy, but I’m a lot more outspoken and I’ve learned to turn the other cheek when someone lashes out at me.  I’ve learned that I’m not accountable to anyone but God and myself.  Life is so much easier this way. 

Last week while waiting for the dentist I read the new issue of People with JFK, Jr. on the cover.  The story inside covered the tragic death of JFK, Jr. and his wife and their alleged dysfunctional, and sometimes violent relationship.  As I was reading about his wife Carolyn, I realized I had something in common with her, and that was living in a fishbowl.  My fishbowl was not marrying a celebrity or being rich and famous, oh no, I simply married a pastor and dove right into my own version of the fishbowl.   Everything I said or didn’t say was open to discussion.  Everything I wore or didn’t wear was scrutinized.  Everything I did from raising my children, to having a child that required extra grace, to my working was under the microscope.  Do you know how many people won’t trust a pastor that has a child that requires extra grace?  Thank God, he left the church and went into corporate America! LOL 

To Lisa and Glenda, I am sorry for the intentional sting of the words I wrote to you.  God knows when we do something out of anger, and no amount of justification will heal our heart when we lie to ourselves, to others, and to God.  There are kinder ways to tell someone they have hurt us, then to lash out and hurt back.  It’s taken me a while, but I’ve learned this painful truth.